Author: TechyDad

Sleepless Nights Approaching Surgery

Health, Medical, Sleep

For the past week or so, I haven’t been sleeping well.  My nights are filled with stressful dreams that leave me exhausted in the morning.  There are two reasons for this.  Unfortunately, the solution to the first reason is, in fact, the second reason.

Let me back up a bit.  I’ve always had a problem breathing through my nose.  One nostril seems perpetually stuffed up.  Almost twenty years ago, I had surgery to help correct this.  Unfortunately, one of the big helps would have been fixing my deviated septum and the insurance company at the time deemed that "for cosmetic purposes only" a day before the operation.  While the surgery (cutting my noses’ turbinates) helped, my problem just got worse over the years.

These days, I live with a near constant pressure in my nose.  It will often feel like it is about to stop but just keeps going on.  Medicines don’t help and it is affecting my sleep.  (Though my sleep study found that I have a normal sleep pattern.)  I’ll often wake up after a good night’s sleep feeling tired instead of well-rested.

My doctor finally decided to give me a CAT scan and immediately saw the problem.

 

TechyDad's CAT Scan

For those who can’t immediately read CAT scans, here is a marked up version:

TechyDad's CAT Scan Annotated

My right nostril is a lot narrower than my left nostril.  My doctor informed me that this is because a structure in my nose tried to form a third breathing passage instead of what it was supposed to form.  (Three nostrils with only two openings – Worst. Mutant. Superpower. Ever!)  This pushed the left side of my nose over to the right side, narrowing that passage down.  Once any irritant is added to the mix (allergies, cold, etc), that passage goes from "narrow stream" to "completely blocked up" very quickly.

The good news is that this problem is fixable.  I’m scheduled to have surgery at the end of this month to take care of this issue.  Much like JSL’s surgery, I’ll be put under while the doctors perform various procedures.  This time, insurance is covering a deviated septum operation.  Hopefully, this will open up my nasal passages and allow me to breathe easier.

Which leads us to the second reason why I’ve been unable to sleep well:  Anxiety.

As the surgery date approaches, I’m getting more and more anxious.  I’ll admit that I like being in control of situations.  Being out of control scares me.  Being put under anesthesia while people slice into you is about as far from "in control" as you can get.  Add in that my brain keeps coming up with bad things that could happen and my stress levels are rising day by day.

I know, intellectually, that this is similar to my fears about flying.  Completely overblown and thanks to various shows/movies depicting surgery (and air travel) as something that regularly goes wrong.  After all, a completely uneventful surgery that goes as planned or a flight that doesn’t even hit horrible turbulence are just boring when depicted on screen.  Still, my fears aren’t listening to my intellectual retorts.  They just see "big scary surgery" looming ever closer.

As much as I’m dreading Surgery Day, I’m also hoping it gets here quickly so it can be over quickly.  Then, hopefully, I can actually get a good night’s sleep.

Elementary School Student No More

NHL, School

Fifth_Grade_First_Day Almost 6 years ago, NHL began a new chapter in his life.  He was going to elementary school for the first time.  Today, he closes that chapter in his life.  Today, NHL is graduating the fifth grade.  Next year, he will begin Middle School.

It seems like only yesterday that I was easily holding baby NHL in one arm.  I still have vivid memories of dropping him off at daycare for the first time.  He’d pull at my suit jacket and scream, not wanting to leave me.  I felt like the World’s Worst Dad even when the teachers assured me that he was perfectly happy once I was gone.  Eventually, that stopped but an even worse behavior began: He’d go off to play and wouldn’t care about kissing dad goodbye.

NHL got bigger and went to kindergarten.  He learned about math and science and excelled at it.  He learned to read and began tearing through books.  The more he learned the more he loved learning.  I was (and continue to be) so proud of him.

And now he’s leaving elementary school.

I can’t help but look into the future and see middle school, Bar Mitzvah, high school, college, and more.  I’ve got to cherish every moment with NHL now because he’s growing up so quickly.

To close out this post, I figured I’d make a quick video showing NHL changing throughout the years:

Lucky Thirteen With TheAngelForever

Anniversary, B, Marriage

Lucky 13 With TheAngelForever People don’t usually think of thirteen as a lucky number, but today it is.  Thirteen years ago today, I became the luckiest man in the world because B said "I do."  The actual day is a blur.  I know that I walked up an aisle.  B circled me a few times during the ceremony while our mothers lifted her train – practically causing her to moon everyone.  I believe food was served, but I know we didn’t get to eat any.  Many people congratulated us, but I don’t remember any actual conversations.  Many photos were taken and much dancing was done.  In the end, we were exhausted.  Happy, but exhausted.  The next day, we were off to Disney World for our honeymoon.

In the years that followed, we’ve enjoyed life together, welcomed NHL into the world, learned the ins and outs of being parents, said hi to JSL for the first time, watched our kids grow up before our eyes, have geeked out together as often as possible, and have spread our wings on social media together.  These past thirteen years have seen the most stressful days of my life.  (Thank you for nothing, febrile seizures!)  However, I wouldn’t trade them for anything because they’ve also been the happiest days of my life.

Happy anniversary, B.  Here’s to thirteen more and many more after that!

An Epic Battle of Bird vs. Pig

Games, Review, Smartphone/Tablet Apps

angry-birds-epic  Since we got smart phones and our kids got tablets, there have been the sounds of certain upset avians being hurled at the not-so-nice pigs who stole their eggs.  Of course, I’m referring to that mobile game: Angry Birds.  Over the years, we’ve played all of the sequels, especially – given that we are Star Wars geeks – Angry Birds Star Wars I and II.  When I first learned about Rovio’s latest Angry Birds game, via a video showing the opening battles during play tests in Australia and a couple other countries, my first reaction was pretty calm.  Ok, ok, it was more like: "WHEN CAN I HAVE THIS? TODAY? HOW ABOUT NOW? NOW? NOW??!!!!! DON’T MAKE WAIT!!!!!!"  Of course, I’m talking about Angry Birds Epic.

Angry Birds Epic starts like most Angry Birds games.  The pigs have stolen the birds’ eggs and the birds want them back.  The twist this time is that you don’t simply fling the birds at the pigs.  In fact, there is no flinging at all.  Instead, the game is more of a turn based RPG-style game.  You use your birds’ offensive and defensive skills to win battles over countless pig foes.  Along the way, you gain more bird allies, treasure, coins, and experience stars.

rage-chili-attackEach bird has a slightly different attack and might be better suited to some battles over others.  For example, pirate pigs tend to be immune to harmful effects, so Chuck the Wizard-bird’s acid rain attacks won’t cause the usual lasting damage after each turn.  However, against the undead pigs, his skills can help hurt the pigs evenly so you don’t wind up knocking out one pig just to have it revive a few turns later as you tackle a second (or third or fourth) pig.

The birds also have defensive capabilities.  They can form shields to protect against damage, heal injuries, or even cause other birds to attack (in essence, trading their turn to a stronger bird and giving that bird two turns during that round).  Each bird also has a "Rage Chili" ability.  As you battle, damage you inflict – or that is inflicted on you – fills an initially empty chili pepper on the screen.  Once the pepper is full, the rage chili is ready to be used.  Drag it onto a bird and that bird will launch a powerful which ranges from healing all of your birds to a focused mega-attack to multiple strikes on many enemies.  Using the rage chili wisely can be the difference between winning a battle and losing it.  Do you use it to knock out a powerful enemy in one blow or heal your birds so that they last longer?

battle-wonAs the battles progress, the birds will gain powerful weapons and new abilities.  A bird has three basic items: It’s headgear, weapon, and shield.  The headgear determines the bird’s class and thus what attacks/defensive moves it has.  For example, Chuck’s mage hat lets him zap all pigs with lightning or protect birds with a "shock shield" that hurts any attacking pig.  Meanwhile, his rainbird hat gives him acid rain and healing rain abilities.  The weapons increase your attack power and gives possibilities for special bonus attacks (like dispelling a pig’s beneficial spell or chaining an attack across multiple pigs).  Shields can increase a birds’ hit points and attack power.

Sometimes the game can be frustrating.  I hit into one zombie who could kill each of my birds with a single strike.   The secrets in these cases are to either go back and re-fight older battles to level up – increasing your attack power and hit points, to try a different combination of birds, or to try different bird classes.  Maybe you should use the the blue birds should be used in trickster class instead of in rogue class.  No battle is impossible.  It might just take awhile to find the right combination of birds, class, experience level, and luck.

This is quite a fun game and – having peaked at a full map of Piggy Island – I can see that there are a ton of battles ahead.  The battles between bird and pig will definitely be raging on for quite some time in this house.

Battling My Own Brain

Aspergers, Autism, Emotions

brain-tank Over the years, I’ve fought long, protracted war.  This wasn’t a conventional battlefield, though.  This war took place entirely within my own mind.  I had to fight tooth and nail (synapse and neuron?) to overcome some challenges and get to where I am today.  Meanwhile, I still have many challenges to overcome in the future.

Back in high school, I found my brain getting stuck constantly.  By this, I don’t mean that I wouldn’t be able to come up with an idea.  Instead, I would pour over every detail of a social interaction that I had made.  I would critique it in every way possible, berate myself for missed opportunities or for saying/doing the wrong thing, and would take situations completely out of context.  These "hindsight reviews" could last for days and would completely cripple me socially.  After all, if I was completely wrong in my actions in one situation (as judged by me later on) then how could I possibly be sure that I’d be correct in another action.  Combine in fear of bullying and the paranoia that it caused and it isn’t hard to see how my social development was stunted.

This "stuck brain" phenomena would also manifest itself when I worried about something.  As I went over the topic over and over again, the worry would grow more and more unmanageable.  Even if there was nothing I could do at the moment, my brain would focus on the problem and wouldn’t stop.  Thankfully, I eventually learned to segment my worrying and put aside items when there wasn’t anything I could do about them at the moment.  This can often be misinterpreted as me not worrying about something, but it is more of a self-defense mechanism.  If I didn’t put some worries aside, I could easily revert back into my worry-obsession behavior.

In college, I vowed to force myself to be more social.  I joined an organization whose sole purpose was the throw big parties – exactly the kind of social situation I wasn’t comfortable in.  It was my way of confronting my comfort zone and breaking through it.  However, while I made strides in my general social development, another battle raged on.  This battled was complicated because it involved the opposite sex.

College Me was living away from home for the first time and I found myself surrounded by all kinds of people.  As will inevitably happen to college kids, I developed crushes on some of my fellow students.  However, whenever I thought about acting on the crush, I found myself paralyzed.  I would go over a plan to ask a girl out, but could only think of the horrible things that might result.  I had just escaped high school – where I was made fun of mercilessly – and the specter of being mocked by my peers again haunted me.  Inevitably, I would over-think so much that the girl I had a crush on would begin dating someone else.  I had gone from doubting my actions after the fact to doubting my actions before I took them.  I might have won the general battle, but I was clearly losing on this particular front.  After college, I got a job and, a few years later, met B.  Unlike with all the other women I had tried to ask out before, everything seemed to come naturally to me.  Part of this was definitely due to a greater maturity and self-confidence due to being successful in my job.  A big part, however, was just that I could sense right from the beginning that B was "the one."

With that battle won, you might think that the war in my head was over.  It wasn’t, though.  Even in the present day, I tend to have two main "brain battles."  The first deals with Asperger’s.  Often I’ll get fixated on something, such as reining in the chaos that two young boys playing can cause.  Meanwhile, NHL will fixate on something else and we’ll have an Aspie-Aspie clash with B caught in the middle.

As hard as that is to deal with, there’s something else I deal with on a regular basis.  "Bad thoughts."  This is what I call it when my brain seems to try to interpret others’ motives in the worst possible light.  A voice in my head might try telling me that some people don’t care about me or that they don’t need me.  I’ve learned not to listen to this voice.  Though it always attributes the negativity to others, it is really the voice of self doubt.  It is the ghosts of the battles I’ve fought over the years coming back and trying to take hold once more.  I hesitate to call it depression – mainly because it never gets that bad and I wouldn’t want to minimize someone else who deals with actual depression.  From what I’ve heard online from people who have depression, though, this "bad voice" shares many of the same characteristics.  It belittles my accomplishments, attempts to sabotage my relationships with my friends and family, and convinces me to bottle up my feelings instead of opening up about them.  (That last one is made worse by my Asperger’s "Emotional Cage.")  When the "bad voice" is active in my brain, I will often sulk and stew over even the smallest of slights.  I’ll find myself unable to focus on other topics.  This is the one instance where a form of my "worry obsession" still overtakes me easily.

I’ve seen NHL deal with this also.  If he is yelled at to stop doing something, he’ll often mutter to himself over and over.  When I listen to him, it frighteningly sounds like what my "bad voice" says to me.  Nobody loves me.  Nobody understands me.  The world is against me.  People are doing things to hurt me on purpose.

I’ve learned to suppress this "voice" so it doesn’t come out of my mouth – even when it is screaming in my brain.  NHL, meanwhile, hasn’t.  Perhaps this is a good thing, though.  Maybe I can use this as an opportunity to help him learn to deal with his own "bad voice" in his head so it doesn’t turn into a problem.

NOTE: The "brain tank" image above is a combination of "brain" by trubinial guru and "cartoon tank" by rg1024.  Both images are available via OpenClipArt.org.

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