The Voice Of Self Doubt

The Voice of Self DoubtOver the weekend, I began reading Just A Geek by Wil Wheaton (one of my purchases from the Humble Bundle – a website that offers packages of eBooks, games, and more at a price that you choose and with the money going to charity, the authors, etc. as you define it).  One of the things that stood out instantly was a voice in Wil’s head was the same voice as one that I’m plagued by.

Wil described two voices (at least up to the point I read).  The first was Prove To Everyone That Quitting Star Trek Wasn’t A Mistake.  That voice I don’t really have a counter for.  Perhaps it’s from Asperger’s or years of bullying or something else, but I don’t really care what people think of me.  There are exceptions, of course.  I would really hate it if my wife suddenly thought I was a horrible person.  For the most part, though, I don’t care if Random Stranger In The Store #17 thinks I must be a bad father because I’ve been forced to pull my son out of a store while he screams bloody murder.  (On the flip side, I’ve learned not to be judgmental if I see a parent doing the same thing.  If anything, I almost feel the need to walk up to said parent, give them a consoling hug and say "Boy have *I* been there too!  You aren’t alone."  I don’t do that, though, because people tend to get the wrong idea when complete strangers give them hugs.  So I just send some mental good vibes their way.  Much less efficient, but much less likely to get security called on me.)

Back to my point, though.

Wil’s second voice was The Voice of Self Doubt and boy do I have that one!  I’m not sure what my Voice of Self Doubt’s origin was.  Perhaps it was navigating a neurotypical world as an Aspie (especially one who didn’t know what Asperger’s was and just knew that this "socialization" thing was easy for everyone else but not for him for unknown reasons).  Or maybe it was from constant bullying which left me paranoid that anyone and everyone was out to get me.

Whatever the reason, I’m pestered by The Voice of Self Doubt constantly.  This past weekend, while working on my "sew my own bow tie for a Doctor Who costume" project, the project started to go wrong.  The Voice of Self Doubt immediately chimed in.  It told me to give up.  It said that I’d never be able to do this right and I shouldn’t have even tried.  Thankfully, The Voice of Stubbornness decided to interrupt and tell me not to give up and that I should keep trying until I got it right no matter how many times it took.  After one more try, I got the project back on track and The Voice of Self Doubt went silent.

Unfortunately, sewing projects are only The Voice of Self Doubt’s opening act.  Earlier this year, I wrote about my Imposter’s Syndrome.  That’s the Voice of Self Doubt there.  It’s constantly telling me that I really know nothing about making websites and one day someone’s going to just realize that I’ve fooled everyone into thinking I’m a good web developer.  Any successes the Voice writes off as dumb luck.

In reality, I’m a very skilled web developer.  I just happen to know of some people whose skills dwarf my own.  That’s pretty par for the course.  No matter how good you are at something, there’s always someone better than you.  On the other hand, I don’t like to judge people so I don’t tend to present people who are worse than me to The Voice as counter-evidence.

If things at home don’t go perfectly, The Voice starts whispering in my ear.  It starts making me doubt whether I’m a competent husband and father.  The Voice will often show me blog postings of people who keep their house perfectly tidy, who cook exceptional meals every day, who engage in elaborate crafting projects with their kids, and who earn enough money to often take their families on lavish vacations. The Voice tells me that this is proof of my inadequacies.

The truth is that blog postings often leave out the whole picture. Beyond that photo of the a perfectly clean dining room is a living room overrun with toys.  Beyond the recipe of the perfect dinner that was posted is the not discussed empty McDonald’s containers in the trash.  Beyond the blog post about a husband and wife having a perfect time out is the non-blogged-about argument the previous night.  Those details tend to get whitewashed out of a social media presence.  The result is that your average family, warts and all, looks perfect online.  Then, when you compare your situation (with the warts not glossed over) with the seemingly perfect online lives of others, I know this is true, but The Voice of Self Doubt twists it to play to my insecurities.

The Voice of Self Doubt seems to enjoy having me wallow in misery.  The more miserable I am, the more I resort to my old high school anti-bullying tactic of "hide your feelings down deep and avoid all social contact."  The more I resort to that tactic, the more it’s just me and The Voice there.  The happier I am, the less time I spend with The Voice of Self Doubt.

I’ve fought The Voice of Self Doubt for many years and will likely fight it for many more.  As I continue to read Wil Wheaton’s book, I’ll be sure to keep an eye on how he handles his Voice of Self Doubt.  Maybe it will give me some ideas for silencing my own.

NOTE: The "question face" image above is by nicubunu and is available via OpenClipArt.org.

Maker Faire Envy

On Saturday, we went to a local Maker Faire.  I ended up leaving impressed and also with a touch of maker envy.

First, we spotted a TARDIS.

tardis

The boys and I climbed inside but couldn’t figure out how to make it travel in time and space so we eventually left to stop by Kathy Ceceri’s table to see the robots she built, most from common household items.

Sadly, I didn’t take many photos of Kathy’s table because I got wrapped up in her display too much.  The danger of making your table TOO interesting!  So here’s a photo of her book that we bought.

robots

As we wound our way through the faire, there was so much to see.  Pottery, #D printing, crocheting, duct tape wallet making (which, sadly, was too busy for us to participate in), and much more.

maker

The highlight to me was the flying pizza box.  Made by a ten year old girl (with some help from her father), this was literally a pizza box with a propeller, GPS, remote control circuitry, and more attached to it.  After her father talked to the assembled crowd for awhile, he and Emma went out to fly their box.  Sure enough, the box took off and flew through the air.

flying-pizza-box

And now I have a touch of Maker-envy.  Emma and her dad, along with everyone at the Maker Faire, had so many great projects that they’ve worked on.  I’ve love to do them all but time (and money) don’t allow it.  So I might have to reflect on some of the things that I think we can scale down and do inexpensively with my boys.  Perhaps a foam glider or a duct tape wallet.  Whatever we make together, it will be time well spent.

Have you ever attended a Maker Faire?  What have you been inspired (either via a Maker Faire or by something you’ve seen online) to make with your kids?

My Phone The Hacker

On Saturday, we realized that Where’s My Water 2 was released for Android.  The boys had been looking forward to this for awhile, so we download it for them.  While I was at it, I got it for my phone also.  I played a couple of levels, but bed time was fast approaching so I put it aside for the evening.

The next morning, I decided to play another level or two.  Except, when I started the game, I wasn’t where I left off.  I was at the end of the game.  All the levels were not only unlocked, but completed with all of the hidden items found as well.  NHL got upset with me for not unlocking all of his levels, so I explained to him (many times) that I didn’t know how this happened.  The best I can tell, my phone is secretly a hacker and hacked the game as I slept.  (B was up during the night and said I wasn’t sleep-gaming so that explanation’s out.)

Here’s some screenshot proof.  I only played the first few levels, the rest of this was phone-hacked:

Screenshot_2013-10-13-11-42-39 Screenshot_2013-10-13-11-42-50Screenshot_2013-10-13-11-43-03 Screenshot_2013-10-13-11-43-07Screenshot_2013-10-13-11-43-18 Screenshot_2013-10-13-11-43-50

Setting Our Kids Up To Fail – ‘Another Brick In The Wall’ Parody

man_with_microphone_smallI usually don’t post on a Tuesday, but this idea was too good to hold onto.  Awhile back, I was listening to Pandora and the Pink Floyd song "Another Brick In The Wall, Part 2" came on.  As I listened, I realized this could be perfectly adapted to the current school situation.  After the recent events with Commissioner John King, it just made even more sense.  If you need a reminder of what the lyrics really are, check them out here or watch Pink Floyd sing the song.

One last thing.  I’d video myself singing this except: 1) I’m not the best singer around and 2) I’m currently battling something and am losing my voice.  Feel free to video yourself singing these lyrics and post them online.  Let me know if you do and I’ll link to them.

Without further ado, here is "Setting Our Kids Up To Fail", an "Another Brick In The Wall" parody:

We don’t need to test ad nauseam.
We don’t need no Common Core.
No high stakes testing in the classroom
Pearson leave our kids alone
Hey! Pearson! Leave our kids alone!
All in all it’s just setting our kids up to fail.
All in all you’re just setting our kids up to fail.

We don’t need only test teaching
We don’t need more Scantron forms
No death penalty for public schools
John King leave our kids alone
Hey! John King! Leave our kids alone!
All in all it’s just setting our kids up to fail.
All in all it’s just setting our kids up to fail.

"Wrong, You fail the test!"
"If you don’t take the test, we don’t know if you’re learning. How can we know if you’re learning if you don’t take the test?"
"You! Yes, you teacher. Stop teaching creatively!"

Here’s hoping Pearson, NYSED, and Commissioner John King leave our kids alone soon.

NOTE: The "man with microphone" image above is by laobc and is available from OpenClipArt.com.

Accountability, John King, and So Called Special Interests

special-interestsOur government is built upon a foundation of accountability.  We elect people to serve our interests in government.  If they don’t do a good job, we can kick them out next election cycle.  It’s not a perfect system, of course, but it’s pretty good overall.

This style of government was – in a big way – influenced by the events 240 years ago.  In 1773, the colonists revolted against the British Parliament for not having a say in how they were being taxed.  Today, parents, teachers, and students find themselves the ones without representation.

Throughout the country, Common Core and Race To The Top are being implemented.  Though I’m a fan of having a nation-wide education policy, in general, Common Core is just badly written and its implementation winds up giving corporate interests more say in our children’s education than we have.

In New York State, our kids were subject to a series of high stakes tests.  We were warned that scores would be low but that this would be a "baseline" by which future success would be measured.  Considering that only 30% of kids passed the tests, I’d say we’re setting the bar pretty low to start with.  The biggest issue here is the accountability, or the lack thereof. of all of the parties involved.

I’ve written before about Pearson education and how the lack of oversight on the tests combined with their business interests (selling textbooks and courses) gives them a clear incentive to have students do poorly on the tests they design.  Today, I’d like to focus on Commissioner John King and the New York State Education Department.

The New York State Education Department (NYSED) gets to decide education policy for all of New York State.  Districts can decide not to abide by some rules, but NYSED can "lean on" them to get them in line (for example, by withholding funding).  So when NYSED says the high-stakes tests are going to take place, local school districts have little say in the matter.

Voters don’t get to choose NYSED members – they are appointed by the legislature.  We do vote for the legislature, but many times legislators either feign ignorance or are purposefully ignorant as to what is happening in the education system.  It’s better (in their minds) to act outraged that high stakes testing isn’t making our kids’ education better and promise to get to the bottom of it, than it is to know how bad the situation is beforehand and risk being blamed.  Furthermore, the Commissioner gets appointed by the NYSED’s Board of Regents.  He is two steps removed from any voter accountability.

Recently, Commissioner King held the first in a series of town hall meetings intended to open a dialog with parents and teachers who were unhappy with the state’s overemphasis on tests and with Common Core.  (You can watch the town hall here.)  Parents and teachers who attended were told they would have an hour to make statements.  In fact, only a half hour at the end was allotted for statements.

To make matters worse, John King interrupted the statements period so that he could rebut the statements.  When the crowd got upset that their limited time was being eaten into, King remarked "We’re not going to go on until I speak."  Understandably, this met with resounding boos from the attendees.  At least one parent was escorted from the grounds by the police which soured the crowd even more.

After twenty minutes, the statements period was closed out and parents were told that those with written statements could hand them to a representative instead.  Commissioner John King ducked out the back to avoid any further parent interactions.

The very next day, Commissioner King cancelled all further town hall meetings, blaming "special interests" for hijacking the meeting.  Specifically, his statement read:

I was looking forward to engaging in a dialogue with parents across the state. I was eagerly anticipating answering questions from parents about the Common Core and other reforms we’re moving ahead with in New York State. Unfortunately, the forums sponsored by the New York State PTA have been co-opted by special interests whose stated goal is to ‘dominate’ the questions and manipulate the forum.

The disruptions caused by the special interests have deprived parents of the opportunity to listen, ask questions and offer comments. Essentially, dialogue has been denied. In light of the clear intention of these special interest groups to continue to manipulate the forum, the PTA-sponsored events scheduled have been suspended.

Let’s break this apart bit by bit, shall we?  First of all, he "was looking forward to engaging in a dialogue."  The last time I checked, a dialogue is an even back and forth.  If one person has all the speaking time and attempts to silence all dissenting opinions, it’s not a dialogue, it’s a monologue.  Dictionary.com agrees, calling it a "conversation between two or more persons."  It sounds to me like Commissioner King was actually expecting to monologue his way through the town hall meetings and didn’t expect to hit any dissenting opinions along the way.

Next, there’s his mention of "special interests" who "dominated" the questions.  The people who attended the meeting were parents and teachers.  Was he seriously calling concerned parents a "special interest"?  Or was he referring to the teachers who have seen firsthand the damage this is doing to our kids?  I, for one, am willing to embrace the label as I have two very special interests in the educational system:  They’re called my children!

He also mentioned how they dominated the forum.  The last I checked, during the two hour forum, King spoke for about an hour and a half.  He left only twenty minutes for questions and during that time he interjected to talk more.  If anyone dominated the discussion, it was Commissioner King.

I agree with Commissioner King.  Dialogue has been denied.  It wasn’t from some "evil" grouping of teachers and parents, though.  It was denied by Commissioner King himself.  He tried to manipulate the forum to his benefit, failed miserably, and then tried to pass blame to everyone but him.

Even now, people are calling for King’s resignation.  Sadly, I don’t think this will cause real change.  Instead Commissioner King will likely become a scapegoat.  He will be publicly fired and blamed for the fiasco.  Then, they will appoint a new commissioner to continue on the same over testing path hoping that parents and teachers will be placated by this token gesture.

Don’t fall for it.

The goal here is not Commissioner King getting the boot.  The goal here is to ensure a good educational future for our children.  The goal is to make sure that our kids don’t dread going to school because they’ve got test after test to take.  The goal is to stop punishing creative students because their answer doesn’t fit into the box that Pearson has drawn for them.  The goal is to allow teachers to assess how their particular students will learn best instead of forcing them to follow a "one size fits all" plan that actually fits nobody.  We cannot be distracted by a show firing because what is riding on this is our children’s future.

Demand educational accountability from the New York State Department of Education now!

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